Laura, I don’t know anything about you other than what you describe in this piece, so please take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt. I’d like to kindly point out three things to you. They’re nothing more than suggestions—ideas for you to ponder, if you’re at all interested.

1. There has likely never been more acceptance of the use of mood-stabilizing medications than there is right now. In this sense, we’re living in the most ‘supportive’ time ever. This doesn’t mean that people who take antidepressants, anxiolytics, or related substances aren’t ridiculed or shamed today. It means that there are many millions of people throughout the world who are experiencing the same (or similar) circumstances as you are. You’re not alone and you’re not a pariah.
2. My initial impression is that a significant amount of your guilt and shame is self-imposed. The way you write about what you’re going through and how you interpret it leads me to believe your self-talk (inner dialogue) is exacerbating your struggles. I’m not making a normative judgment here—just pointing out that it might be worth learning about (or returning to) CBT approaches to managing depression, especially re: the stories we tell ourselves.
3. You didn’t use these exact words, but your article suggests you believe your depression is the product of a ‘broken’ brain. Furthermore, it suggests you believe you have little to no control over fixing your brain, aside from taking medication. Regardless of whether this is true—I’m not giving an opinion one way or another—I’d politely encourage you to think about what kinds of effects this defeatist attitude might be producing in your life. Speaking from personal experience, when we believe we’re entirely powerless to change our circumstances for the better, we become ever more seduced by the temptation to give up on life—metaphorically and literally.

I’m not a medical professional of any kind. I’m not trying to judge you in any way. I’m simply trying to share my reaction to your piece having just read it. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to be so hard on yourself: self-imposed guilt and shame will only drain your energy and increase your sense of hopelessness. You’re doing the best you can, and you really should give yourself credit for that. It takes serious effort to survive and thrive each day—don’t take that away from yourself.

Best of luck ❤